There is this overwhelming fear that I said the wrong words, that I looked at someone the wrong way, that someone is mad at me, that someone is at war with me. It takes over. It creeps in slowly starting off as a small worry then grows into a feeling of being shot in the chest. It takes over my brain. It takes every positive thought and turns them into meaningless assumptions that aren’t true. They fill every inch of my brain until there is not one positive thought left. It takes over my body. It causes sharp pains that are just in my imagination. It causes me to feel sick to my stomach, sometimes it might just win that battle. Anxiety is what they call it. I call it torment. Destruction. It causes me to destroy good relationships. It forces me to push people away out of fear. Fear of hurting them and fear of them hurting me. It can take the nicest person and turn them into a dark, poisonous person. It forces me to be a toxic being that no one wants to be around. I push people away to stop from hurting but end up hurting myself more. I isolate myself to keep from acting out, to protect my family and friends. But in the end they feel hurt anyways. They feel unloved and don’t understand it. Even when I try to explain it, they look at me as if I am not the person they thought I was. Anxiety takes over my life. I fight it daily. Sometimes I even win. But the other times it feels like a never ending battle.
All it takes is one thing to destroy me. To break me into millions of tiny pieces. To shatter my soul. To make me shed thousands of tears with no one there to catch them. I am weak they call me. But I don’t believe that. I am strong. I acknowledge the pain that life brings. I acknowledge the pain others inflict on me. I allow millions of chances until I have nothing left to give. I have hope that anyone can better themselves. That anyone can change. That anyone can learn from their mistakes. But not everyone does and its painful. It stabs me in the chest. It puts a hole in my heart that can never be filled and I continue to go back to it. I welcome the pain that I know will continue. Why?? Because I tell myself this person is worth it. This person just needs some love. This person just needs to know they are supported. But sometimes this person doesn’t care. This person rips open my chest and squeezes my heart until it can no longer be repaired. This person throws punches at my face until you can’t even recognize me. This person throws venomous words around without a second thought. This person talks behind my back and I welcome this pain back every time. I don’t hate or dislike this person for the pain they have caused me. I feel sorry for this person. This person has more hurts than I can count. This person lashes out at me and I forgive. Why?? Because I love unconditionally. I accept this person despite the mistakes, judgements, and pain that comes with it. This person is not their mistakes. Their mistakes and their own pain rules their life. Its sad but some people don’t have the ability to love unconditionally. Some people are already in too deep. Some people think it will hurt them more if they choose to love unconditionally. That’s wrong. If they loved unconditionally, it would set them free.
I am the girl who has become invisible. I am the girl who learned to hold everything in, so others wouldn’t know my pain. I am the girl who makes myself small, so family and friends can feel big and powerful. I am the girl who wishes to be loved, to be accepted, to be understood. I am the girl who doesn’t ask for help and because of that I suffer. I am the girl who drops everything for the people I love, yet I don’t get that in return. I am the girl who will listen to people and still I am never heard. I am the girl who is visible when someone needs me and invisible when I need someone. I’m like a piece of dust that you can’t see but you know is there. It’s a never-ending cycle of being visible and invisible. The only part that is visible is the happy, peaceful and smiling side. The invisible part is a stormy tornado waiting to attack when I am at my worst. The visible side forces me to be happy, calm, and smile, the fake smile I have perfected. The smile everyone believes is genuine. The smile everyone believes is the real me. The invisible side is the hidden storm that never ends. It’s the visible side waiting for the tornado to touch the ground and destroy everything in its path. To destroy every part that makes me who I am. The visible side picks up the pieces and stores them in a cloud for a rainy day. It brings back the happy and smiling girl everyone loves and accepts. While the invisible girl is trapped in the dark clouds until the next tornado touches ground.
Mental illness is extremely misunderstood. People think it defines us as crazy, attention-seekers or anything else they can come up with that makes having a mental illness a bad thing. The truth is Mental illness is a part of us. There is no escaping it. There is only managing it. Having a mental illness isn’t a bad thing. There are days that I wish I didn’t struggle so much but I force myself to focus on why it is a good thing. Yes, it has some negative side effects but it does have some positive ones.
The negative parts
- We have to fight harder to get through each day.
- We have a harder time with relationships.
- We have a hard time understanding ourselves sometimes.
The positive parts:
- We know we can survive almost anything.
- We know how to love unconditionally.
- We know what true empathy is.
- We work hard on ourselves compared to blaming others for our problems.
Mental illness doesn’t define who you are. Only you can define who you are. Mistakes you have made don’t define who you are. Having a mental illness and making mistakes help you to grow as a person. Because of my BPD, I am more understanding and open to other people. I am more open to improving myself and my environment to get what I need to be the healthiest I can be. It makes me more responsible and a very hard-worker. It helps me to understand others emotions and what they are going through. All together it makes me a better and much stronger person.
As a young mom, I have received tons of negativity from family and from people I don’t know. I use to be hurt by people who didn’t approve of me being a young mom but it didn’t take me long to realize the advantages that come with being a young mom.
- I learn life lessons earlier.
My son has taught me so much about life and about myself. He has helped me be more responsible and more aware of everything. I learned what is important in life. I don’t waste my time on the drama that other twenty-year old’s do. I know who my biggest supporters are now rather than later.
- I get to spend more time with my son.
Having my son earlier allows me to cherish him for longer and allows me to watch him grow up longer.
- I can relate easier to my son.
When my son goes through things when he is older, I will be able to relate more because I remember how I felt at his age. As you get older you forget some of the ways you felt when you were younger and each generation is different.
- My son will have active grandparents.
Once my son has kids, I will have the energy to keep up with them. I won’t get exhausted as easily and will hopefully still have good physical health so I can run around with them.
- I have plenty of energy.
Having my son at 19 has been great in many ways but I am grateful I can keep up with him. He has so much energy that I am sure if I was older, I would get exhausted a lot quicker.
As a mom, I put a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. Every day I spend time teaching, reading, playing, cooking, cleaning, bathing and potty training my son and by the end of the day I am exhausted. It is a routine I have gotten in. I want to give my son everything I have and more but some days I am so exhausted that I can’t enjoy the time I spend on my son. I have tried many different things to help me get out of a mommy burnout. The best one being Yoga. I love Yoga. It calms my mind, relaxes my body, gives me a little workout, and it gives me more energy. My goal that I strive for is yoga morning and night. Sometimes that is impossible though. some days I don’t want to get out of bed early to do my yoga and other times I just want to go to bed at night. That’s why I stopped using nap time for cleaning time. I decided my mental health was more important than spending that hour and a half on cleaning. Whether I do yoga, journal, or just sit down and watch some t.v. I take that time for myself. I am very big on self-care. If I didn’t start learning about all of this a year ago, I probably would have gone crazy already. Here is a list of to help with mommy burnout:
- Practice self-care!!
- Ignore the negativity from other people about your parenting, house, ect..
- Remind yourself of the positive aspects of having a child.
- Spend time with kid lovers.
- Celebrate achievements no matter how small.
- Remember that it’s okay not to be the “perfect”parent. Children just want to know they are loved. Being loved is more important than having the “perfect” parent.
I know a lot of people hate Mondays. It is the start of a busy week with work, kids,and everything else on your busy schedule. But just because it’s Monday doesn’t mean you can’t have the best day. It doesn’t mean you can’t shine your brightest. Nothing can hold you back from being your best except you. Dreading about it being Monday or about other problems going on in your life doesn’t add to your brightest self. If today is a stressful day, take a break. Even if you can only spare one minute, take that minute to breathe. Take a moment to remember goals you are working toward, focus on what makes you different from everyone else, and focus on what motivates you. No one can take any of that away from you. If you can focus on your goals and what helps motivate you, you have noting standing in your way of sparkling. So choose to shine bright even at the darkest of times, even if today is your worst day, choose to shine bright and stay motivated to reach your goals. Nothing and no one can stop you if you choose to shine your brightest.